Age, Looks, and Perception

I haven't written here for a long time. I basically took a three year hiatus from dating or even thinking about romantic situation outside of writing about them. My daughter specifically told me she didn't want me to date because she wasn't ready to watch me go through another breakup (though she's only really seen one that she remembers) and she doesn't want to share me with anyone. Understandable, as I am all she really has in terms of a solid daily presence in her life.

Earlier in September, I had met a beautiful man who was many years my senior and we went on a few "coffee dates". After the first one, he asked me if we could be discreet. I have no problem with discretion, and at the time I thought it was because we had some mutual friends whom he was reticent to expose his personal life around. The second meeting, was well less productive, it centered on his career and my opinions about his career. Not that I ever mind being someone's sounding board about their ideas and quandaries but when I really want to rip your clothes off, well this really wasn't what I wanted to chat about. That pretty much signaled for me that any progression was dead in the water and that I had wandered into friend and trusted confidant territory as I often do with men.

This situation reminded me of an encounter that I had with a younger man a few years back where I was also asked to keep quiet about our encounters because of the possible mutual friends that might have issue. I, gullible, agreed because well, I was very much infatuated with this person and I really wanted to be with this person. So I quickly backed off. We are friends now, I suppose, as I am with the other person I spoke of. But I digress. Basically my point is that I attempted romantic involvement with two people each with senior and junior age differences to me and neither one was promising.

I got bored in November of last year and decided to join Match.com again for a month, just because I don't like claiming definitives in my life. Meaning, I don't like to say never, and the only time I really say no to something is if it would adversely affect my health. That being said, the first person that I interacted with was so aggressive that because I didn't answer his text message within an hour, he told me he didn't have time to waste on someone that wasn't serious. Then there was the guy who still to this day is relentless about asking us to meet for coffee, then lecturing me when I can't commit to a time because of my kid's schedule that I need to learn how to have a life for myself, and then promising not to condescend on me but then gets mad when I don't want to go to a show at the Greek Theater. I mean if you pass judgment on me before you even meet me in person, it doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in me that you are going to understand anything about my life.

All in all Match.com was a bust because well the guys I like and the guys that like me are not one in the same. So I ended the membership. So now I am six months further into the year and I keep meeting amazing guys, or ones that think are amazing and I keep running into this issue where they are so amazed that I look so young, but then are quickly dismayed that I am 37 and a mother of a 9 year old. It would seem that from my perspective of being able to read people, their curiosity about me and the comments of "how cool I am" are quickly outweighed by the age and kid issue.

In fact, this one young buck that I was interacting with a few days ago, kept pressing the issue, "Are you sure you are 37? I could maybe give you 27 cause that is how old my sister is, but no way you are 37." "Yes, I am sure."  He asked me this like 5 times. So you wonder is it their youth that causes the issue, or is it my age? I don't want to go whine about why it's ok for men and not women. I actually understand why men do things they do in that direction (I don't necessarily agree with it). It seems to me that life works this way, you date the older person in your youth, then you marry or are with the person that you build a family with (usually are similar in age), then you go for the person that makes you feel young again, then you are with the person that you will spend the rest of your life with.

So with this ideology, I am in the state of 3. I just want to hang with young fun people who aren't full of life sucking doldrums that most people my age are in. But then again, maybe I already had that and now I am in 4 and don't realize it but others do and their wariness is based on this? Possibly, since we give off vibes that we are often unaware of.

So what does this mean for me? Who sits in this weird zone of looks young, but is really older with a kid? Is it the company that I keep? Because I am often surrounded by older or younger people that my options are also limited because of their perspective or lack of understanding of their prejudice?

It's all very interesting to me, and daunting when I think about maybe opening myself up to experiences again. To be honest, it doesn't look too promising.

Caught between Right and Wrong...

The toughest thing in a mother's life when she is single, is making decisions about your love life that will or won't affect your precious child. The choice to be a single mom was not mine. I didn't divorce him, and he knew about the baby, hell, at one point he wanted to marry me (so he said). However, he chose to leave for greener pastures. So the constant question in my life is always, how do I deal with not closing off my heart but not damaging my daughter's opinion of love? I met David when my daughter was around 1 1/2. So the couple of years we spent together seems okay. But the end was messy, and even though she was almost 4, well she felt it. So I didn't get seriously involved with anyone else for almost 3 more years. This time it lasted 8 months. This time, she felt it, but was oddly resilient. She thinks guys are fun to hang out with, but for the most part are jerks. She is almost 7. Is this what I wanted her to feel about love, and about men... no. Was it my fault? That is something that I wrestle with everyday. I don't want to be like Ms. Havisham. I don't want to be capricious about it either. So do I completely step away from the matters of the heart to avoid exposing my daughter to anymore heartbreak? Or do I understand that I am human, and I have needs, and should continue to take risks? Are there really any risks that you can calculate to minimize the damage, and aren't kids pretty quick to pick up things that you are hiding? I have an unusually close bond with my daughter. While I am a firm disciplinarian, I am also able to be her best friend, and she is mine. I have never lied to her, and don't want to start. But how do I explain to her, that mommy isn't going to let you ever meet another guy again because she can't be sure that she won't get hurt, and that she doesn't want her little one to get attached again. It is a tough road to travel. I have very little in the way of resources out here as far as babysitters, and well the world has changed so much that courting often comes after the sex. We have put the sexual component of a relationship on a far higher totem pole than actually getting to know someone. As much as I would love to be a woman in her 30's who was just getting her rocks off and loving the new world of sexual freedom, there is and always will be a part of me that is traditional. A part that wanted to be a good wife to someone, that wanted a home and house full of kids, and to drive that soccer van. There is always going to be a part of me, mostly because I have rarely gotten it, that would love to be wined and dined, and romanced. While these trappings are just the whimsy of the romantic comedy, I somewhere deep down believe that I deserve the fairytale. To be honest, my track record with men is so god awful, it wouldn't be hard for any guy to improve on my experiences. The hardest thing in deciding how you are going to approach any situation that involves a new beginning is that there is always someone out there ready to judge you. There is always someone who doesn't have a kid or who is married with kids, or who has seen irresponsible moms with their kids, that are going to raise an eyebrow to any decision you make. It is a hard line to follow being a single mom;with people already having preconceived notions about you, topping that off with opinions on how they think you should parent, and how they think you should have made this decision or that one. I have had so many people criticize me for having my daughter that it makes me sick to stomach the thought of the judgment that bores holes into my psyche.

So I ask again, what is right and what is wrong? Is it wrong for me to want to feel desired by someone? Is it wrong because of my horrid track record with men to keep the options open for another chance? Do I even deserve one? Is it right thinking for me to swear off men, deny myself any activity outside of career and child rearing? Is the fact that I choose commitment phobic and utterly unreliable men all my fault, or is it just bad luck? These are questions I wake up with every morning, amongst the million of other things that are on my thought list. It makes for a very stressful day. I am sure that everyone has variations on the theme. Opinions that could flow like rivers, to try to tell me what is appropriate or not. I just wonder, where is that gray area, so that I might stand there and look to both sides for myself, instead of people doing it for me.

Back in the Single Column 2011 Resolutions

After spending most of 2010 in the unsingle life, I learned many things. The things I learned however were not necessarily lessons that needed to be reiterated. However, I am not ready to discuss the snafus of the past year, but only the things that I have decided I will never, or at least attempt to never to do again...
* I will not fall for someone because they show me a kindness. Life isn't like Beauty and the Beast, and just because he shows you a kindness does not mean that he wants to be your forever. Nor does it mean that you should think he is the one. Accept it for what it was, a peak moment of good character and move along.
* I will not let myself be an option, or a thing to be tried on. This is a bad habit of mine, making some guy my world, while to him I am only the current option until something better comes along.
* I will not make their dreams bigger and more important than mine. Even if somehow I do or did benefit in some way, it always signals the demise of the relationship after said dream is within their grasp. (references: See FIRST WIVES SYNDROME)
* I will not meet anyone's parents or friends for a long long long time. Losing one person is bad enough, losing a whole crowd of people, terminally sucks.
* I will not ever again involve my daughter in another relationship. If this means that I am remanded to celibacy and/or having all my relations take place far from the homestead, then thus it shall be.
* I will avoid becoming romantic with anyone that I have business relations with. Especially if I have to deal with them on a daily basis. Talk about giving yourself an early heart attack. The chest pains alone can kill ya!

Thus being said, the only really positive thing that I can say about this past year is that despite all I have been through in my life, I still have a huge capacity for love. What I need to do is learn not to try to give it to just one person, especially when it isn't wanted, but to spread it to different areas of life. I have discovered in the turmoil, that I have some great friends, who stuck by me, talked me down off the ledge, and still managed to have faith in me. I also learned who the liars, backstabbers, and fair weather friends were. It was an interesting year, and the most important thing that always prevails, life goes on.

No Drama You Said

Hey folks,
so I haven't written for a while and I need to back up and recount some dates that I have went on during that whole "Plenty of Fish" period.

Reading through the profiles, I was attracted to this fun-loving guy that had gorgeous blue eyes. We emailed back and forth but by day three we graduated to text messages and then finally to the phone. We chatted on the phone all night, and then we met in person the next day and spent a very interesting day in Santa Monica. But let me go back... the main selling point for this gentleman was that he had lived all over the world. He spoke French and German fluently (his father was in the UN) and he was laid back, and life loving. He protested he was devoid of drama and outlined all sorts of drama he was not looking for in a mate. I fit the bill. So I was really excited to meet him though I had just hung up the phone with him about 4 hours previously.

Upon our meeting, I was shy at first. He was a little more trendy than I like. Physically he was exquisite, well muscled torso, with a very cool laid back style, and did I mention that I have a weakness for blue eyes? He had amazing blue eyes that shone like a cerulean blue sea, sparkling with diamonds. I have only encountered this color twice before.

I know that I am no beauty queen, but I could sense from right off the bat something was remiss. Was it me, was I too fat for him, not pretty enough, did I have a booger hanging out of my nose? :P Who knows.

We went to an appropriately French cafe where after a few staring contests and absurd smiles, two French ladies sat next to us. I sat and watched him converse with them, laugh at Americans, and compliment me on my skinny form. Apparently they feel that Americans are obese on average. So as I sat back and genuinely enjoyed the exchange, I watched his body language for signs. He was uncomfortable in their compliments towards me. He was annoyed that they linked us romantically. Interesting. Commitment issues right off the bat.

After we left the cafe, he was oddly not ready to part with my company though the vigor of interest in our phone call was all but diminished. I kept waiting for the "well I have to get going, it was nice meeting you" line to erupt but no dice. I was still curious. I think he could tell that I could see right through his facade. It took about 10 minutes of jokes and idle prattle for him to start complaining about his life. His sister didn't defend him, he was hot headed and he felt unsupported. He didn't have a job and he hated his father. Oh, the ooooooze of issues that fell out of his mouth. He had been given all the privileges of the world, and he hated his life. He complained about ex-girlfriends and friends, and to top it off, he was in court for DUI issues. As I wasted time listening to this poor boy, I laughed to myself and thought about guys who complain about getting the friend card. Something I am familiar with.

We parted ways amicably, but I knew that I would never hear from him again. He just exposed his soul to me in a matter of six hours. He could tell that I had his number, and that he would never be able to pull the wool over my eyes. For someone who claimed to not want any drama, it must have been because he had enough of his own. I truly felt sorry for him. I also felt that I thankfully dodged a bullet.

Plenty of Fish

Feeling lonely? What is it that everyone tells you? There are plenty of fish in the sea. Sure, if you want to spread out a wide net and then you want to haul them in and sort through them. Does anyone of us really have time for that? About 100 years ago, people rarely left the vicinity that they were raised in. Now we move at the drop of a hat, and frequent so many different places that the wading pool has turned into an ocean. How, in an OCEAN, can you find someone? Internet dating seems to be the answer. Social Networking. All these venues of semi-anonymous, no commitment visual aids to entice one fish away from the school. Does it really work? The endless quizzes and personality assessments? The self promotion and photoshop wizardry that sets ourselves up for an epic fail.

First problem is that people don't look like their pictures. Girls, I thought, were the main ones guilty for this, but I have ran across many a photo that upon closer examination was doctored. I recently joined a dating site recommended by a friend. I had originally thought it as research here and there to see responses- which I still intend to write about those ironies. However, I found the odd thing that there were so many overwhelmingly attractive men on this particular site. After dozens of messages and profile looksies, I honed in on one that I could say got my panties wet. After several messages back and forth, we exchanged numbers and began a dialogue over the phone. It seemed promising, and we met for a "drink" at a local pub near me. Let me just premise the rest of this story with the fact that he was from New York, and had driven across country to make a fresh start. His picture portrayed a strong Italian look with tan skin, square jaw, think UFC fighter muscles, etc.

As I was standing waiting for him to come walking towards the pub, he calls me and says look over here, which I then scan the street and spy that he has pulled in beside the curb. Nice, he drove a sweet little Mercedes. He leans over and asks me where to park. I am thinking in my head, you just passed two parking lots and about 50 parking meters. I responded, "Anywhere". He looks around and says, "Where?" I decided to hop in the car and show this poor fool where to go. Already he's losing points with me. Turning onto the next street, I say, "here's a meter right here". He winces and looks around, "Do you think its safe?" Major cool points are falling fast. I say," sure; the random homeless are not going to mess with your car, just lock it, and there are security guards on each corner, it will be fine." He reluctantly parks and triple checks the locks on his car, then starts to get antsy as a passerby starts to admire his car. The man looks at me and says "mmm" that is a sweet machine, and I verbally concur with him, to the dismay of my new companion. I continue walking back towards the pub whilst my new friend glances back over and over again at his car.
"You like living down here?" I proudly shake my head and say "I love it" Did I mention that I live in Downtown LA? He's from New York for christ's sake. I would have been positive that he had seen worse areas than this. We continued on to the pub and sat down. I ordered the Pinot and he ordered a black and tan. They brought him a Guinness Stout. Instead of asking the waiter to bring him the correct order, he decided that complaining about it for 10 minutes was the better action. Bored me to tears, I say. Then he lied about his age. He said he was 28 but in reality is 34. While I admit he looked younger than both those ages, the fact that a man would lie about his age was astonishing, and somewhat... vain. I felt no need to lie about my age, which is something that women are known for.

As the idle chit-chat continued, he didn't say much, so I chose to fill in the blanks. Not more than a few minutes into some space filling prattle, I notice that he has been staring off towards the front,passed my shoulder mind you, and when questioned - come to find out that he's staring at some old guy who was acting oddly. Great, I am glad that I didn't waste gas to meet this person.
As he kept glancing at his watch, I asked him if he had somewhere to be. "I have work in the morning." He explained. "Don't we all?" I replied.

Leaving the pub, he seemed wary at walking back to his car. It was literally, less than a block away. Sensing his apprehension, I asked him if he remembered where his car was, he said yes but didn't know how to get back to the freeway. So I began to point out the direction to which he should go, and in the midst of my direction giving; a homeless man approached and attempted to aide in my direction giving, I smiled and thanked him, and said "I got this." No harm, no foul. Yet, this guy was freaking out, trying to pull me away from this harmless person. Then my date asked me to walk him back to his car... wait- isn't he supposed to walk me to my door? So I walk him halfway and as I am heading back to my building, the very same homeless man that had tried to help with directions, was standing on the corner watching. As I came closer to him, just before I crossed the street, he looked at me and shook his head. With a questioning look on my face, he smiled and said "that ain't the man for you". I shook my head in agreement.

Women Make the Wrong Excuses

For some reason, over the last few days I have been inundated with cyber sludge and radio gabble about how to hook a husband, or how to find the right man. Titles splayed proudly by supposed women in the know... Ways to please a guy and Be more seductive for you man! It was nothing but article after article, and grossly negligent commentary about seducing him, cooking for him, being his fantasy, and on and on, etc., ad nauseum.

As a woman who knows all the right things to do to turn a guy on and to keep a man satisfied, I sit here reading these things and all I can do is scoff. I realize that some women are frigid and unresponsive in bed; however, I also know the other side of this equation. The man they are dating is most likely completely selfish in bed and can't switch up the game to make it more interesting for her. Women have been taught by male porno obsessed visuals that sex is about being plowed and plundered. Moan load and prepare to be railed rabbit fast because this is what men want. Boring. How many hours of your life do you really want to spend with your face in a pillow while he goes to town doggie style? How many times has he been grunting away on top of you, his head over your shoulder, while you start counting ceiling tiles or cracks in the walls? Yes, some women are dead fish. Yet, how much of it is really her fault? Seriously, after you start having sex, can you count the times that you spent hours kissing before you finally decided to give it up? Once you knew the end result of all your dreams of being lusted after was getting hot and sweaty and walking odd afterward, did you just wonder is this it? Is this momentary itch that got scratched all there is? And now I am supposed to do MORE for the guy to entice him, when he does squat for me?

I want to see an article in a men's magazine about learning the Kama Sutra, or Tantric sex for dummies. I want to see some men taking responsibility for their unimaginative "love" making. Where are the kissing classes for these idiots? Like hmm for instance, does your tongue really need to be shoved down her throat on the VERY first kiss? (NO) Foreplay... is not grabbing my tit before you have even given me a decent hug! Where is the Erotica for men, that is hetero oriented? We women need to stop letting the "visual" demands of men dictate our sex lives. We have more than tits, ass, and a hole to be dealt with. We have all sorts of lovely areas that need attention. We need to be seduced. WE need you to play out our fantasies. WE need you to stop being so selfish and then wondering why WE aren't doing it for you in bed. Sometimes I want to put 9 1/2 weeks on repeat and tie men to a chair. Make them watch hours of movies where a hot guy seduces a girl romantically... make them read a few cheesy (their term) romance novels to learn how to get in our heads. I have read the males guides on picking up chics, the player's list of game tactics to persuade you into thinking he has a heart. Pathetic really. Predictable.

Ladies, the real reason that men cheat, isn't because YOU aren't doing it for them. It's because their boring and tired ass love making has worn your interest out, they know it (and probably feel guilty over their lameness), so they have to find a new chic so that they can do the same BORING technique over and over with someone who hasn't seen their one trick pony show yet. They blame it on you, but the reality is they would rather move on, than try to take the time to improve or be better for you.